Ask Jesse and Melva – December 3, 2019

Dear Jesse and Melva,

My wife and I are about to have another horrible holiday season because she's wanting me to go out with family and friends.  This includes a lot of social activities going on this time of the year. This is that time that you should be happy and joyful. But, it's not for me. You see, my wife is a lot more social than I am. And, when I go to work every day and come home, all I want to do is get something good to eat and to relax. I don't want to go socializing with a lot of other people. So, my question is what can I do (or, what can we do) in order to not let this be a major problem in our relationship again this year?

Not Happy or Joyful in Connecticut

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Not Happy or Joyful in Connecticut,

Thank you for your question.

Our response to your question is that it makes sense that when you go to work every day and you put in a hard day’s work, that you want to come home, relax, eat and just “chill”. And, we're guessing that your wife may be longing for social interaction with you, along with family and friends, especially during the holidays.

Your story reminds us of a story we heard about years ago. It was a couple who was having a fight about what they were going to do during their vacation. Here was their dilemma:

He liked to ski and his ideal vacation was to go up into the mountains somewhere and ski. Her idea of a vacation for her was to go to the beach, relax and maybe get in the water and enjoy the sand, water, and all of that. So, they couldn't come to an agreement about how they were going to resolve the conflict so that each of them could get what they wanted. We sent them to a travel agent to help them to find an island in the Pacific that they would fulfill both of their wishes.

Here’s what happened.

The travel agent helped them to identify an island that was mountainous at the top mountain and had snow year-round. And, of course, on the ground level, there was a great beach with crystal clear water and all that sort of thing.  So, they agreed to go to this particular Island. In the morning, he went to the mountain to ski and she went go to the beach. Then, they would meet at midday, enjoy lunch and spend the rest of the day and evening together. Result? Instead of an “I win/You lose outcome," this couple enjoyed a “Win/Win”.  All they needed was some help to explore and decide on a third option that would help them to decide on the ideal place where they both could get what they wanted.

Our suggestion is for you to invite your wife to have a conversation to come up with a third option to do something similar to the couples we described earlier. You may get “Brownie Points” for initiating the conversation.

Start off with individually making a list of what you want to do to enjoy during the holiday season: with whom, when where and for how long.  Then, negotiate a way whereby both of you could get at least one thing that you want. Make sure that one thing includes at least one thing from each list. This different approach requires co-creating a “win-win” outcome instead of an “I win/You lose” negative consequence.

Feel free to use the process the couple we described earlier implemented.

Keep in mind that implementing whatever decision you make will provide an opportunity for both of you to stretch out of your comfort zone to give each other what you want. We believe that the stretching and growing to meet each other’s needs to have the most enjoyable holiday experience will be well worth the effort.

Let us know how turns out,

Jesse and Melva

PS. Stay tuned for our “Holiday Survival Guide for Couples”!