Ask Jesse and Melva – December 10, 2019

Dear Jesse and Melva,

I hope this doesn’t sound petty, but it is important to me and I’m really struggling.  I love my husband and I know he loves me.  We have been married for a long time.  We have a son in college and a daughter who will be graduating from high school in the Spring.

I work hard, really hard with long hours at work, supporting our daughter with her after school activities and keeping everything clean and orderly at home. I am worn out.  I am not getting enough sleep and notice I am irritable more often than being my cheerful self.

When I had my last physical exam, my doctor told me I have to slow down because I am under too much stress and it is affecting my health. I know she’s right, but I don’t see how I can do that and feel like my life is in order.

My husband works hard too.  When he gets home, he is exhausted.  While I understand him, I also need his help.  When I tell him that, he will often not respond or he gets irritated when I bring this subject up.

I’m wiped out, he’s wiped out, my daughter sees and feels the tension between us.  When our son comes home during his break from college, he notices it too.  He even asked both of us separately if we were ok.  When he asks me, I usually say that we have a lot going on and we’re trying to manage all of it.

I’m exhausted. I don’t have any “Me” time to do the things I need to do to take care of myself.  And, I’m feeling lonely because there is so much tension between us that there is not enough “We” time.  We don’t even talk about doing fun things together anymore.

We’re stuck in a routine of work, me consistently going to support our daughter’s after school activities and housework.

Can you help me?

Exhausted in New York

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Dear Exhausted in New York,

The first thing we want you to know is your described experience is not petty, and the reasons for your exhaustion makes so much sense.  The good news is that both of you love each other. The fact that both of you work hard speaks to having shared values about a work ethic to mutually create a quality of life that works for your family.

In addition to that, you are demonstrating to your daughter that she has value as well by supporting her activities and being there for her.  We imagine that there are other positive experiences you share with her.  We are assuming that your husband does as well in a different way.  And, the real news is that both of you are overwhelmed and stressed from everyday life.

It looks like your husband may be handling his stress more effectively than you.  He seems to know how much he can do, and then he stops and takes time out when he gets home.  Yes, this adds to your stress because you don’t have a helping hand.  You deserve to have help.

So, we want to address your stress because it is affecting your health and well-being.  Sleep deprivation and irritability are symptoms that can lead to negative consequences that you don’t desire or deserve.  It is time to get relief and help.

We prepared five questions to support you to get you started:

1. What do you want to experience daily in each area of your life?
2. How do your daily tasks fit into each area?
3. Is there a balance? We are assuming there is not
4. What action steps will support you to create that balance?
5. How will you take care of responsibilities at work as well as self-care as you enjoy more of the time you have with your husband, your children, extended family, and friends?

This will take thought, however, it will be well worth your time to shift gears in getting some relief from your stress and exhaustion.

Please keep us updated.  We’d love to hear how this works out for you.

To your relationship success,

Jesse and Melva

PS. Stay tuned for our “Holiday Survival Guide for Couples”!