Tip for Success in Love, Marriage, and Life:
Integrity
“People of integrity and honesty not only practice what they preach, they are what they preach.” – David A. Bednar
Meet Ivan and Ida.
They have been married for 30 years. They don’t have children but do have two fur babies living with them. They also have a large family and a host of friends.
Even though they had rough spots over the years, Ivan thought things were going ok.
Sure, he worked long hours from the beginning of their marriage from day one of their marriage.
In the beginning, that was okay with Ida because he made sure he made time to go on dates and to spend special moments with her: dinners at home, evening walks and watching television together.
However, all of that changed in the second year of marriage. He still made promises to Ida but at the last minute, he would renege, citing last-minute work responsibilities. Another excuse was remembering that he had made a commitment to play golf with his buddies.
“Things are so stressful at work. I need time to unwind.”
For a couple of years, Ida shared with Ivan that she understood and would ask him to “schedule her in” as well for his winding down time.
He continued to promise and break his promises.
Nothing changed for 25 years. Yes, Ivan made time for holidays, family gatherings, and social events with friends.
The intensity of Ida’s complaints built up over the years. So did Ivan’s excuses.
The day after their 30th wedding anniversary, Ida filed for divorce.
Integrity — Divorce — engin-akyurt-Jw5Kth70hQo-unsplash
Ivan was shocked and devastated!
What do you think was the missing link/pillar in Ivan and Ida’s Story?
The 6th Pillar for Success in Love Marriage and Life:
Integrity
Pink sunset couple-Harli Marten-M9jrKDXOQoU
The problem is that neither was aware that this important pillar was missing in their relationship.
When I talk about integrity in love and marriage, I am referring to “emotional integrity”
Emotional integrity is when what a person is feeling and experiencing on the inside matches what they express to another person.
Integrity — unmasks john-noonan-QM_LE41VJJ4-unsplash
It is similar to emotional intimacy in getting to know each other in a deeper way, heart-to-heart, and without the masks
The mismatch,
For Ida, she communicated to Ivan that she understood his need for personal time with activity, but she did not communicate how lonely she felt and how much she needed to have one-on-one time with Ivan. That’s why he thought what he was doing was ok and couldn’t understand why she complained
Ivan didn’t want a divorce. He said he would do anything to make things right. He said he knew he had a lot to learn.
“I have a coach at work, maybe we can get one for our marriage.”
“I’d rather do that than counseling because I want us to do like we do at work, have a step-by-step program to help us to follow to turn things around.”
Ida was touched that not only did Ivan initiate action he was very specific about what he would like that action to look like.
Ivan and Ida Made a Decision
Decide — brett-jordan-TMj1c5wlO3k-unsplash
So, Ivan and Ida decided to get help. They did love each other and wanted their marriage to work. They were clear that they wanted to spend their golden years together. And they were committed to do what it took to do what they needed to do to make things work.
They were in integrity with their decision and commitment because they followed the program step-by-step.
One additional benefit for them as they met other like-minded couples who were also dedicated to strengthen the “7 Pillars of Success in their Marriage and Love Relationship.”
None of the couples disclosed the personal issues they were addressing, just what it was like to develop new habits like being more present, listening more deeply, managing emotions, etc.
The couple became a mutual support group.
Where are Ivan and Ida Now?
It is now year 31 in their marriage. Both Ivan and Ida have reported to their group that they are happier than ever.
Bridge over troubled woods-Adam Bixby-Jun-9Pzw8Zw
They have bridged the gap from where they were when Ida filed for divorce to feeling solid as a couple with the foundation of their marriage stronger than ever.
Ivan discovered that he was not accustomed to having the depth of love that Ida expressed to him. He discovered how to take it in and appreciate it. No more broken promises
Ida discovered that she needed to give Ivan more information about what she needed and how without giving mixed messages.
How About You?
Simone Secci Avatar of user Simone Secci Simone Secci @simonesecci
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- What is it like for you when your mate doesn’t open up to you?
- How difficult is it for you to open up to your spouse or mate when they don’t listen to you?
- On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with the level of emotional integrity in your relationship?
- What happens when you talk about it?
- What will your relationship look like and feel like if there was more emotional integrity?
- “Know that emotional integrity goes both ways.
Before Ivan and Ida enrolled in their group coaching program they signed up for the “3-Day Detox Communication Challenge”, to prepare them to be successful in that program.
COMMUNICATION DETOX CHALLENGE
The First Step to Stop Arguing and Start Communicating
Registration is FREE!
That “3-Day Challenge” will be available for you.
More information next time.
To Your Success in Love, Marriage, and Life
Melva Johnson