Ask Jesse and Melva – October 29, 2019

The Masks People Wear During Conflict and the Power Struggle

Dear Jesse and Melva:

I’d like your advice about what to do regarding what I ‘m feeling about Halloween.  It’s coming up very soon.

I know this is a holiday for so many, but for me it is so fake.  The whole idea of dressing up in a costume, making a fool of myself, and pretending to be someone I’m not is not very appealing.

My wife, on the other hand, loves this silly day. Even though our children are grown and out of the house (with one out of state), she continues to elaborately decorate the house, inside and out.  I think there is a little competition with some of our neighbors.  What a waste of time and money.

Dressing up in a ridiculous costume and inviting people over to extravagant dinner party is not one of my favorite social activities.  I just “go along to get along."  This makes my wife happy; and, I like seeing her happy.

Maybe you can help me out a little.

I always look for meaning in anything I participate in.  And, since what I feel is a ridiculous holiday menace brings so much joy to my wife, I am open to look at all of this a different way.

Sincerely,

Trying Not to Resent Halloween

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Dear Trying Not to Resent Halloween:

Thank you for your question.  You are not alone in being perplexed about why some people love this holiday, and others could “care less” or think it is just for children.  There are several ways to think about the idea of Halloween.

We looked up a brief description of the origins and history of that day. The one we liked best was on https://www.history.com  › topics › Halloween › history-of-Halloween, Nov 18, 2009 – which describes Halloween is an annual holiday celebrated each year on October 31. It originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off ghosts. The evening before was known as All Hallows Eve, and later Halloween.

Over time, the meaning of Halloween evolved into children having fun while dressing up as their favorite character and trick-or-treating.  For adults, it evolved into having fun while dressing up as their favorite character.

Another way of thinking about Halloween is considering the possible meaning the characters that people become and the masks they wear and what that represents.  You may not have wanted to go this far; however, it might be thought provoking to think about the characters and the masks in terms of how they might apply to daily life.

This includes:

• pretending to be a hero or heroine character they would like to be in real life, or
• pretending to be a villain that they would like to be in real life.

Then, there is the masking of emotions that people generally resist like hurt or fear because they may believe the other person won’t hear or understand their discomfort or pain. The other person may become reactive, critical, judgmental, mean or evasive.

With these ideas in mind, here’s a couple of tips to consider from some who have faced a dilemma like this:

1. Think of Halloween as your wife’s love language for fun.
2. Give Halloween a new meaning for you so a you can join in on the fun in a way that works for both of you.
3. Remember the big picture of the meaning of your marriage and how you can continue to contribute to what keeps the spark to deepening your feelings of connection and brings fulfillment to the both of you.

Hope that helps to bring out more of the best version of you in this situation and in your life.

To your Relationship Success.

Jesse and Melva