Ask Jesse and Melva – November 26, 2019

Dear Jesse and Melva,

“I’m so tense and stressed out by my husband and children over the demands being put on me by my husband and children surrounding Christmas.  They expect me to do everything without offering to lift a hand to help.  I never get any thanks or appreciation for all the things I do for them.  I’m now so upset that I could walk out of this house and let them do for themselves without me.  I need help but don’t know what to do.  Can you help? Please!

Sincerely,

Stressed Out Christmas Wife

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Dear Stress Out Christmas Wife,

Some women are really stressed out by their husbands or “significant others” during this holiday season.  It’s difficult enough handling all of the “day to day” things that women have to address.  Men will respond by saying, and rightfully so, that they are stressed out also—that they have extremely stressful and challenging jobs.  When they get home, all they want to do is to relax, forget the stress of their workday, and get ready for the next.  In response, women would say that they (too) have demanding, stressful jobs; and, in addition, they also have to deal with the daily demands of their households and their families.

Here is the problem—it is a matter of perception.  Men and women perceive their roles and responsibly differently.  Men see their primary role as "work" (to bring home the primary paycheck).  Women perceive their role and responsibly as being both as working (adding to the primary household income), while also managing and caring for the needs of the household (that includes their husband, children, and extended family members).  Rarely does she include herself in the list of people that needs to be taken care of.

Christmas adds a whole new level of stress because a lot of things are added to what has already been demanded of her.  What’s realistic? Is that stress coming from you, or others?  If it’s from you, consider those things which are realistic and what you can drop.  If from others, you’ll want to ask for help.

What to do?  Here’s some solutions…(maybe?)

1. Don’t Ask For Help from Your Husband or Children When You Are Angry

• • They are likely to interpret your "upset" as being "nagging again," and you are likely not to get the kind of positive response you are looking for.  Calm yourself down; think about the kind of response you desire; consider the best way(s) to get that response, and, practice alone (saying it to yourself) until you’ve got it the way you’ll be most effective in your delivery.

2. Ask for a “family meeting” where you will make your plea for help. Include examples of the kind of help you need.  At the end of your plea for help, conclude the meeting to allow your family to consider your request.  Set a follow-up meeting preferably no longer than a week later. This will allow them to consider your request and decide what each will do to offer their help.
3. Give lots of praise and appreciation for your families’ follow-through by providing the help you have wanted.

Good luck.  We’re pulling for you.  You deserve the help!

Wishing you, your husband, and your family, a wonderful and blessed holiday season,

Jesse and Melva

PS. Stay tuned for our “Holiday Survival Guide for Couples”!