I’m Not a Priority Anymore
Dear Jesse and Melva,
You probably have heard this complaint from spouses who have been together for a while. Here’s mine. I have fond memories of the early years of our relationship when my wife took the time to make sure that I felt like a priority to her.
That lasted for three to four years until our first child was born. I get it. She was pulled energy-wise to take care of our child, our home, and work. I knew she had less time for me (and us); and, even less time when our second child was born two years later.
We both enjoyed being parents; and, we have wonderful children who are growing up to be healthy and happy adults. The problem is we have mostly been parents and less of a couple for over 21 years. Soon, we will be empty nesters because our oldest is in college and our youngest will be at the university in the fall.
Yes, I understand that we have a full life as professionals and as parents; but, we’re still a couple. I am missing that one-on-one time with her. Sometimes, she is open to the dates but does seem to be there totally with me, complaining about how tired she is and how much she has to do.
And, as for vacations, I have to plan well in advance so she doesn’t come up with excuses not to go. I do enjoy the time we have together. And, it appears that she does as well; even though we tend to have a couple of minor arguments because she seems to be preoccupied when I am trying to enjoy special moments with her.
It doesn’t seem like I should have to work so hard to have quality time with my wife.
What shall I do?
Not a Priority in Virginia Beach
Dear Not a Priority,
We understand your frustration which makes a lot of sense. The first thing that came to mind is a curiosity about how both of you got to this point. Yes, things begin to change when children are born. We have found that this can lead to a couple feeling closer or more distant - depending on how day to day life situations are identified and approached, as well as, how each family member’s basic needs are met.
When we sit with couples in our office, we discover that when each partner shares their experience of what is happening between them that they tend to describe two different scenarios of the problem; and, what they need from each other to turn things around.
We recommend and encourage both of you to have that conversation. Try it on your own first; and, if you need help from a neutral and objective facilitator to keep you focused and solution-oriented, make sure you give yourself that gift.
Let us know how it goes.
In the meantime, we invite you to join our FREE private Facebook group for more tips to support you.
To your relationship success,
Jesse and Melva
Join our amazing Facebook Group!
