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Ask Jesse and Melva – November 19, 2019

Ask Jesse and Melva – November 19, 2019

/ Ask Jesse and Melva / By

Fed.up.in.Denver

Dear Jesse and Melva,

I’m reaching out to you today because I am fed up with living with a wife who criticizes my every move.  It seems like I can’t do anything right.  Time after time, day after day, she tends to find fault with at least one thing I do or don’t do. This is been going on for 15, out of 20, years of our marriage.

The holidays are here; and, I am not looking forward to hearing her complain about every little thing - not just about me, but my family, her family, and her so-called friends.

I want to enjoy myself with all of these people who are important to me during the holidays, including my wife.

Do you have any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Fed up in Denver

Dear Fed Up in Denver,

The first thing we are curious about is, what happened 15 years ago?  Whatever that is, if it has not been resolved it can be the root of the problem.

In his book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples,  Harville Hendrix says, ''Many of your repetitious, emotional criticisms of your partner are disguised statements of your own unmet needs.''

This is what may be going on with your wife. 

We recommend experimenting to discover if this is true for your situation.  You have nothing to lose.

Here are the steps:

  1. Invite your wife to have a conversation with you. It will be more of listening experience for you.
    • Let her know that you love her and you want both of you to be happier together.
    • And while it has been difficult for you when she criticizes you, you realize that what she is saying is a symptom of her unhappiness in some way.
    • Let her know that you want to know what that is so that together you can resolve it in a win/win way.
    • Let her know that your positive intention is to be present with her to listen to understand.
  2. If she agrees to the listening session, establish a time where both of you can sit face to face with no distractions or interruptions.
    • Establish a time frame for her sharing and you listening, anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes.
    • Honor the time that both of you set.
    • Start the conversation with your appreciation of her willingness to share.
    • Remind her that she will have your full attention and that your intention is to hear her out so that you can understand what she is trying to communicate that you may have missed.
    • Know that when she does share, her message may be filled with criticism.
    • Be aware that right now she doesn't know any other way to express herself.
    • Also know that you are opening the door for that to change in the future, with both of you getting help to discover more effective tools to talk to each other in a way the other can hear and to listen in a way the other feels heard.
    • You are taking a very important first step in that direction.
  3. When your wife completes her sharing, do not respond, except to say, "Thank you for sharing what has been bothering you".
    • Then let her know that you would like to have 24-48 hours to digest what you heard because what she just shared is valuable and she deserves a well thought out response. Then ask her if she is ok with that.
    • If she demands an immediate response, ask her to honor your request so that you can give her your best response
  4. When you think through what she was saying to you, even though she may have expressed herself in a vague way, pay attention to two things.
    • First, what she may have been saying she wanted during the last time she criticized you, or
    • Second, what she may have wanted in a previous situation.
    • This is because when most people are flooded with emotions, they “talk in shorthand” and don’t get to the point – that is even when they know what they want.
    • You may also want to listen for is how she has been hurt in some way during the situation that she criticized you, especially, what may have happened 15 years ago that has not yet been resolved for her.
  5. Only respond to the “what” upset her.
    • Ask her what you can do to enable her to get past that. And for the hurt, what you can do to help heal that.
    • And, if what she wants is something you can give her, that will be a gift worth giving during this holiday season.
    • And we imagine you will receive your holiday gift of enjoying your wife and your families.
    • If she does not know what you can do, or you’re unwilling to do it, then consider some things you can do for yourself to enable you to create a fulfilling holiday season for yourself.

If you can discuss it and plan an enjoyable holiday season together, it would be a win/win for you.

Wishing you, you wife and your families, a wonderful and blessed holiday season,

Jesse and Melva

PS. Stay tuned for our “Holiday Survival Guide for Couples”!

In the meantime, we invite you to join our Facebook Group:  “Tips for Success in Love, Marriage and Life"

Join us here: