Ask Jesse and Melva – February 11, 2020

Dear Jesse and Melva,

I have been married for 22 years.  Most of the time, when we have been together, has been pretty good to Ok.  Things would be better if my wife would show me a little more support.  I have worked tirelessly over these past 22 years to provide for her and our family.  Well, yes, she works too, however, I need time to relax and unwind. She, on the other hand, constantly talks about all the things that have to be done at home – and I just don’t have the interest or the energy.  I know she enjoys and takes pride in having our home in order, but that doesn’t mean that much to me.  Heck, we have a home and it looks ok to me.  However, that doesn’t solve the arguments we are constantly having about this.  It’s the way she talks to me when she gets angry that I don’t like her.

Can you help me?

Love Her, But Don’t Like Her in Anaheim, California

Dear Love Her, But Don’t Like Her,

We are assuming that your wife values order in your home and probably in other areas of her life as well.  And, we agree the way she is inviting you to join her in her efforts to have that outcome is not effective.

While on the front end, it seems that if she would approach you differently, you might at least be able to share your concerns and needs, which is different than yours. 

We are thinking that if your wife had a more effective way to approach you, at least your interaction would likely be different, maybe even more positive because it would be solution-oriented.

We believe that through effective communication that if ongoing problems cannot be solved, at least they can be managed more effectively.

You said you don’t like the way your wife talks to you.  That won’t change if this is the only way she knows to express herself to you.

Here’s what we recommend. 

#1] Take some time for some reflection.  During that time, ask yourself the following questions

1. Why is it important for your wife to have order in your home? In other words, why would that make her happy?
2. We are assuming that you want her to be happy because you said that you love her?
3. How can you help or support her to feel happier in this situation? This doesn’t mean that you will necessarily do everything she needs since you need to relax when you get home. 

#2] Invite a different conversation to let her know that you understand what she needs and why.  Then let her know what you will be able to do to help as your willingness to work with her to figure out other ways to get support to get things done.

The main idea is to let her know that in your love for her that you want to work together for a win/win outcome.

Let us know how this works out.

In the meantime, we invite you to join our FREE private Facebook group for more tips to support you.

To your relationship success,

Jesse and Melva

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