Ask Jesse and Melva – November 12, 2019

Unhappy Holidays with the In-Laws

Dear Jesse and Melva,

I really hope you can help me.  The holidays are here; and, I am stressed out already.

The main problem (when we first got married) is I had trouble with my in-laws - more specifically, my mother-in-law.  She was not happy that I married her son.  She wanted him to marry someone else.  She was disappointed in him and didn’t accept me.  She was polite most of the time.  However, she expected us to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner with her and my husband’s side of the family.

That was bad enough.  However, during those dinners were stressful for me because she didn’t miss any opportunity to criticize (or) to take snipes at me.  And, my husband didn’t have my back.  He was silent and I had to fend for myself. My father-in-law was very easy to get along with; however, he didn’t say a word.

As for spending time with my side of the family during the holidays, well, that has never been an option.

So, here we are again.  The beginning of a dreaded holiday season for me.

I want us to have our own traditions for our own family; even though we’ve been married for almost 20 years and have children of our own.  The oldest son is getting married next spring; I still want to have Thanksgiving and Christmas with our nuclear family.  My parents have passed away.  But, my cousins are still alive and we love each other deeply. I hope it is not too late.

Can you help me?

Sincerely,

Stressed out in Atlanta

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Dear Stressed Out in Atlanta,

Our hearts go out to you.  It makes sense that past holidays have been stressful for you, especially not having the support
of your husband when your mother-in-law has been inappropriate over the years.

It appears that even though these holiday experiences have been less than enjoyable for you since you and your husband have not had a conversation about it.  Possibly, in his mind, you have accepted the fact that spending the holidays with his family has been, and will always be, the way it will be.  In another way, he may think that you have accepted this arrangement.

Melva: I imagine your children have accepted it too.  Especially since this is all they have known over the years.

Jesse: I wonder what these holiday dinners have been for them.  I bet they have feelings about it.

Melva: Even though your husband has accepted the tradition of spending the holidays with his parents, I wonder how much he has
enjoyed those experiences, even though he was silent when his mother was negative to you.

Jesse: It appears that there has been no conversation between the two of you about this, which is unfortunate.

Melva: Yes, this is a pattern that has to be interrupted and changed, because it is not a “win/win” situation.

Jesse: Since this has been a pattern for over 20 years I believe that what we could recommend without being with the both of you
to work through it, I recommend that you talk to your husband about getting professional help to work this through.

Melva:  I agree and will add one more thing.  A possible way to approach your husband to consider this option. Here’s an example of what I mean.  We call it the ‘Sandwich“, which is extending an invitation with two positive statements and extending
the invitation as the filling.

Jesse:  It could go something like this:

• Positive: “I love you and I enjoy spending special moments with you, like holidays”
• The filling:  Then say something like, “The holidays over the years have been difficult for me. I need help describing to you what it would be like to invite us to do to have a more enjoyable holiday experience. One child is getting married in the Spring, and the two younger ones are growing up fast. In addition to that, we are getting older and are advancing to our “golden years.”
• Positive:  "We are blessed in so many ways and I want us to enjoy every day of the rest of our lives together as 'the best of our lives together.' Will you help me with this?"

Melva:  Notice that in describing your message in this way, you are describing what you want in a noncritical and nonjudgmental
manner.  It is an important first step.

Remember that Christmas happiness starts within and is combined with what both of you bring to the table. Both of you deserve a happy holiday season and a happy life.

Let us know how it goes.  Our readers will want to know as well.

Sending Blessings for Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

PS. Stay tuned for our “Holiday Survival Guide for Couples”!