Ask Jesse and Melva – November 5, 2019

Dealing with Pre-Holiday Conflict and Miscommunication

Dear Jesse and Melva,

We just put the Halloween decorations and costumes away; and, in the middle of what I thought was a lovely afternoon, my husband and I had a horrible argument.  I started talking about planning early for the holiday season; and, out of the blue, my husband started complaining about how much this was going to cost.  He said that I always spend too much money and he does not like going into the new year with holiday debt.

He could hear me when I kept telling him that this is the reason – I wanted us to start planning early. His complaining got to the point that he was yelling at me in a high pitch voice.

Look, we’ve been married for over 25 years.  Our children are grown, married, and have children of their own.

He is correct.  We usually go into the new year with holiday debt.

My question is, “how can I get my husband to hear me when he is so angry?”

Sincerely,

Longing to Feel Heard

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Dear Longing to Feel Heard,

Not feeling heard and understood is one of the primary problems many couples struggle with – whether they are talking about the holidays; or, if they are deciding where they are going on vacation, what they are going to do, and how much they are going to spend.

It appears that you would like very much to honor your husband’s concerns.  However, the very mention of the word “holiday” may have activated unpleasant memories and feelings of his past.  His discomfort about what holidays cost you financially and emotionally may have robbed him of the holiday joy that was missing for him.

The good news is you are sensitive to that!

We recommend changing your approach:

1. Prepare your message more effectively. What you want to say has value. However, it cannot be delivered in the heat of the moment.
2. Before you deliver your message, prepare to let your husband know you heard him. Writing a love letter to him will help you to focus.  Concentrate on letting him know that you heard and understand where he is coming from.
3. Then, share your message. You not only respect what he is saying; you also agree with him. You want to work with him to go into holidays debt-free; AND, you also want to brainstorm with him to make that happen.

Then, let the conversation begin!

To your Relationship Success,

Jesse and Melva

PS. Stay tuned for our “Holiday Survival Guide for Couples”!